Welcome to the world of online dating. It's an exciting concept, that just a few mouse clicks away you could find the perfect partner. Today I want to talk about one of the most important aspects of online dating, your profile pictures.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Oh, you didn't think you would be able to do this without a picture at all, did you?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Bad Profile Creator, Bad!
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Pick Which Person Is Me Photo
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. The Ex Photo
Having a member of the opposite sex in your photo is not a great idea. You might think you are sending the message 'look, other hot people think I'm worth hanging out with', but that is not the message received, particularly by girls. When people are looking online, they are usually quite defensive and critical. Any photo of a member of the same sex around the same age (doesn't count if it is a baby or your grandma), is going to be judged very harshly. Consequently, you will be judged for liking such a person. Don't give people a chance to write you off because of their insecurities.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. Outdated Photos
There is a distinct difference between a 20 year old and a 40 year old. Trying to pass off an older photo of yourself as what you really look like is going to backfire at some stage. Maybe not now, but eventually. Your main photo needs to be taken within the last few months, after any major changes (severe hair cut, plastic surgery, etc.) Think of it as an opportunity to create some even better new photos of yourself.
7. This Is My Glamor Shot
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
Your profile picture is worth 1000 words, and 100 dates.
Oh, you didn't think you would be able to do this without a picture at all, did you?
And you weren't hoping that you would be able to get away with an old photo or just snapping a selfie on your phone, were you?
Bad Profile Creator, Bad!
Let me say this clearly: yes you need a photo. Why would you even bother to put together a profile if you are going to then shoot yourself in the foot by refusing to show your face? And then you need to make sure it's an asset, not a liability.
Psychologists have been studying online dating for about as long as people have been trying it, and they have found some interesting things. Basically, everyone feels that everyone else is lying largely because there is no way to check if they are telling the truth. In real life we like reading other people's non-verbal cues to judge if we think they are lying. But because online there are less of those, everyone assumes you are lying, and the few cues that remain take on even greater importance.
Your photos are one of the the best ways to support what you say and make you appear honest. However, if you aren't careful, it will also be 'telling' people things about you that you don't know.
Not only do you need them, but you need them to look good. How the photo is taken and a myriad of other little tells will give away more information about you than you know. Thinking of putting up a shot you've clearly taken yourself? This immediately says that you have no friends, because you couldn't find one single other people who could hold the camera for you. Yup, that's how much people will read into your photos.
But don't be scared. You may not know exactly what your photos are saying, but that's why you have me. To help you out, I'm going to go through the most common mistakes I've found online, and what these photos are actually screaming. Keep in mind that that the profile picture is not just being used to judge your appearance, but your entire life. So, here are some things to be aware of:
1. Pictures of Something Else
While there are many different mistakes you can make with your own photo, not actually using a photo of yourself seems a bit obvious. What exactly is that going to tell other people about you? You are throwing away a perfectly good chance to attract someone, and instead shouting out that you are deformed or so insecure that you can't show people your face. These are not good messages.
2. Pick Which Person Is Me Photo
Why would you do this? It seems ridiculous to me, but I've seen it so many times it's made the list. First of all, it shows that you haven't put any effort into creating your profile. You couldn't even be bothered to find a photo of just you. Second, every girl will always assume that you are the most unattractive guy in the photo. Now, if part of your profile message is that you have really great mates, then you might want a photo of all of you doing things. However, this would not be your primary photo. And even then, there is always the risk of the girl going 'hmm... that other guy's cuter...'. So overall I don't recommend it. If you have to, recreate the photo with just you.
3. The Ex Photo
Having a member of the opposite sex in your photo is not a great idea. You might think you are sending the message 'look, other hot people think I'm worth hanging out with', but that is not the message received, particularly by girls. When people are looking online, they are usually quite defensive and critical. Any photo of a member of the same sex around the same age (doesn't count if it is a baby or your grandma), is going to be judged very harshly. Consequently, you will be judged for liking such a person. Don't give people a chance to write you off because of their insecurities.
4. My Comic Ugly Shot
Please keep in mind that it will be assumed that your worst shot is what you actually look like most of the time. It also seems that you are hiding behind humor because you are insecure about your looks. This is a killer for online attraction ratings. Confidence is what you are going for. Funny and still amazingly attractive is the branding you want.
5. The Decapitated Shot
Okay so you have a great body, thanks for showing that. But would it really have been that hard to zoom out and show that you have a brain as well? Particularly for women, photos of bodies with no heads are disturbing. It also screams that you objectify your own and everyone else's bodies. Not a great message for most dating sites.
6. Outdated Photos
There is a distinct difference between a 20 year old and a 40 year old. Trying to pass off an older photo of yourself as what you really look like is going to backfire at some stage. Maybe not now, but eventually. Your main photo needs to be taken within the last few months, after any major changes (severe hair cut, plastic surgery, etc.) Think of it as an opportunity to create some even better new photos of yourself.
7. This Is My Glamor Shot
If you are a model, and have been paid to have your photo taken, then sure, go ahead an include one of them (this will support your self-statements). In any other circumstance, I recommend not using professional glamor shots in your profile. If you have paid someone to take photos of you, this often comes across as self-indulgent. Further, they are known to be unrealistic and touched up, so people don't trust them anyway. Even if you love the picture, I recommend trying to recreate a more realistic version yourself.
8. Look At Me, I'm Drunk
I'm sorry, but no one is attractive when they are drunk, not even supermodels. This is similar to the previous note on comic ugly shots. There are much better ways to show that you like a good time.
9. Out of Focus Shots
I'm going to include in this shots where you are not the focus and landscape photos where you are just a speck. You do want the photograph to support your other attributes, which might include being outdoorsy. However, the main purpose of the photo is always to show that the other good looking photo wasn't a fluke. People want to see you. Clearly.
If you are prepared to go out and make a day of taking some great, fresh and creative shots, you never have to fear the online profile photo. So go and have fun.
About the Author:
For more practical advice on creating effective online dating profiles, see Buffy Greentree's new book, The Nice Guy's Guide To Online Dating Profiles, available on Amazon.
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